Why EFT?
The longer I live, the more I believe attachment makes the world go round. I got a crash course on secure and insecure attachment when I birthed two sons and adopted our daughter all within two and a half years. So many people needed me! Every day all day, little ones were looking to see if I’d come when they called. Every time I showed up, our attachment bond got a little more secure. They fussed less; they trusted more.
When I found Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), it captured my attention because it is based on attachment theory, the psychological theory that says we are born looking for a safe caregiver to attach to, one who will soothe us, meet our needs, and make us feel physically and emotionally safe.
"Recognize and admit that you are emotionally attached to and dependent on your partner in much the same way that a child is on a parent for nurturing, soothing, and protection."
Sue Johnson, Hold Me Tight
I knew my children needed secure attachment from me, so I asked myself, Why would that need vanish in adults? It doesn’t. The marriage partnership is an attachment bond. We need our partner to make us feel soothed, safe, and seen. If we didn’t get secure attachment from our early caregivers because they were emotionally or physically absent, the need becomes even more urgent: we need our partner to show up, to be in our corner, to have our back.
When an adult feels distant from their partner, it’s easy to blame or search for a logical fix. But the true solution is more primitive than learning new communication skills or making household tasks more equal. The solution is to ask, When did our attachment bond become insecure? When did we start doubting the other would come when we called?
Building emotional connection and safety is the goal of EFT. When we finish treatment, your partner should feel like your secure base, your refuge from the world. Instead of going inward to make up a story about your partner’s failings, you’ll find you can instead verbalize your need and reach to your partner for the care you crave. You will also be delighted to see your partner can reach back, no longer hiding or feeling insecure. The bond has strengthened. Your attachment is secure.