The Enneagram, an ancient personality typing tool, is having a moment. Scroll Twitter or Instagram and you’ll find posts devoted to the nine numbers. Many have jumped on a bandwagon formally reserved for psychologists or spiritual guides.

But what’s this about nine numbers, and why should you care? Put simply, the Enneagram “helps us identify specific patterns of personality” and the blind spots that are so obvious to others (read: your partner, your coworker) but harder to see within yourself (Chestnut, 2013). Once you know your number, you can identify when you are living in a healthy space or veering into an unhealthy way of relating to life and others.

I find the Enneagram to be the perfect companion to the work I do with couples and individuals as it is a tool clients can use to increase self-knowledge between sessions. When we pinpoint and articulate our inner drives, we become aware of what motivates our choices and behaviors—and can consciously choose to do something healthier in our relationships and self-talk.

The Enneagram outlines three centers of intelligence: body/physical, heart/emotional, or head/intellectual. Each of us fits into one of these centers. You already know that some people are more connected to their feelings while others put thought and action above emotion. Cue your last argument with your spouse or disagreement with your friend. Were you coming from two different angles? Did you struggle to see the perspective of the other?

If you’ve ever felt misunderstood or even angry that others don’t get you, read on. You were raised in a house with other numbers/types and are now living with humans who see the world based on personality. And the chance that you married someone with an Enneagram number different than your own is statistically quite high. Thus, your partner is likely living from a different center, approaching life from a different angle—but the Enneagram is a key to unlock some of that mystery.

One Marriage, Two Perspectives

Let me give you an example. My husband is a nine on the Enneagram, the Peacemaker. For him, free time is for scrolling his phone, watching SportsCenter, and sleeping late. He is not pushing an agenda; rather, he lets life happen around him. In contrast, I wake up ready to get things done. I learned early in life that doing tasks and achieving competency was the key to admiration and love. I now have one mode: go, think, plan!

Can you imagine how our expectations for Saturday morning are different? I have a to-do list while he plans to let a cup of coffee stretch for a leisurely two hours. But here’s the thing. Neither of us is right nor wrong. One way is not superior over the other; we just have a different lens through which we view what matters.

It’s easy for a spouse to think their way is best and that the other must conform. It’s easy to grow resentful when, over time, you realize you can’t remake your partner in your image.

Personality is set in childhood as you attempted to fit in or survive the unique environment in which you were raised. Though experiences will continue to influence and refine you, the general structure of personality was entrenched long before you met your spouse.

Opposites Attract

What’s interesting is that many of us are attracted to our personality opposite. We find the yin to our yang, and we fit like corresponding puzzle pieces. We admire how this special other has traits or habits we feel incapable of living out for ourselves. Over time, however, the very thing that initially attracted us (their drive, their laid-back vibe, their sense of order and discipline) drives us crazy by year ten.

Real problems arise when you decide your perspective is right and allow contempt for your spouse to develop. You lose respect as you ask yourself, What were they thinking? Why can’t they just ____? Everyday stressors feel big because your partner just won’t do it your way.

How Can I Know My Number?

If you want to see the full chart, google "Enneagram diagram" to see an overview of all nine types. For some, one number's descriptor will immediately resonate, but for most, knowing your number requires self reflection. 

The Enneagram is a process of self-discovery, and it will take more than this post to discover your number or that of your spouse or friend. In fact, it’s not up to you to determine another’s number. No one can know for sure what motivates another’s actions—though assuming you can is at the root of many marriage arguments. Thus, you can’t force or project a number on another. Each will know his or her correct number by reading about all nine types. When you find the number that makes you feel someone has been eavesdropping on your thoughts, that’s your number.

To find your number, I suggest you read books that describe all nine numbers so you can determine which number is most like you. Then, you can use the Enneagram as a tool for growing closer in your friendships, marriage, and family or work relationships. You can find a list of suggested books below.

Online tests and assessments are imperfect instruments and require higher than average self-knowledge to produce the correct answer, but they can also be a starting point for exploration. Once you get the results of the online test, read about your top three answers, and think of who you were as a young adult. Personality is set by age seven, so think of who you were when you weren’t overthinking identity. As an adult, you could be living in a state of stress, and the way you are responding to stress can skew your ability to find your core number.

Enneagram work is a process. It will require some effort on your part, but the payoff is rich. Nearly everyone I’ve introduced to the Enneagram has become hooked. It’s a shockingly accurate guide to personality and drives.

With more books on this topic than ever before, it’s easy to become overwhelmed. Below I highlight the most accessible and practical books to consult as you acquaint yourself with the Enneagram. I often recommend these books to couples and individuals I work with in online couples and individuals counseling.

The Road Back to You: An Enneagram Journey to Self-Discovery, Ian Morgan Cron and Suzanne Stabile*

Largely regarded as the modern primer on the Enneagram, The Road Back to You is the best place to start. Each of the nine types is explained, including what each number looks like in the healthy, average, and unhealthy range.

If you’re afraid any type of personality “system” will be dry and boring to read about, you are in for a pleasant surprise. This book is refreshingly readable, entertaining even. The authors weave in personal stories, explaining how they’ve encountered each of the types in real-life relationships.

If you’re not a big reader or don’t care to read about all types—just your type—there’s a checklist at the beginning of each number’s description: “What It’s Like to Be an X.” Skim these lists to determine which numbers warrant further investigation.

And there’s always Audible. This book is a treat to listen to. Ian Cron, one of the authors, reads the book and draws you in with his storytelling.

The Path Between Us: An Enneagram Journey to Healthy Relationships, Suzanne Stabile

Suzanne Stabile, who co-authored The Road Back to You, solos on The Path Between Us as she homes in on how understanding the motivations of those around us can lead to more harmonious and empathetic relationships in marriage, friendship, and career.

Each number gets a chapter as Stable, sweet Southern grandma/Enneagram guru, describes how each type shows up in relationship. She emphasizes potential but also discusses limits and dangers, outlining what each number must keep in mind as they inhabit personal relationships. Perhaps most helpful of all, she gives pointers for the other eight numbers on how best to get along with the number she’s explaining.

Some professional organizations see such potential in understanding the number of those with whom you interact regularly at work that they require employees to know their number and post their number outside their office door. Collaborating with a five (the Investigator) is a much different experience than working on a project with a two (the Helper). It helps to know these things before you alienate the other by insisting on your own perspective or intuitive approach.

If the Enneagram improves work life, just imagine what could happen if you use its wisdom in your marriage. Keep in mind, no number is better than the other; each has strengths and weaknesses, and, paradoxically, your best trait in one circumstance can be your greatest liability in another setting.

What if you saw what is unique about your partner as a gift—not a liability to be changed or a flaw to be manipulated? The Path Between Us is a great place to start if you’d like to try on a new perspective.

Conclusion

Don’t be surprised if a little Enneagram knowledge flips an internal switch and you become obsessed. For many, it’s like receiving a map to explore the inner world of those they hold most dear.

For the first time, you see your spouse, friend, or coworker’s habits—the things you were sure they did only to annoy you—in a new light. You understand that personality is just a system we each developed in childhood to feel safe in the world. We all developed different systems, and they all make sense for the context in which they were developed.

Empathy and validation are key components to the work I do with individuals and couples who come for therapy. If the Enneagram can build empathetic understanding of the other’s perspective and help you see your spouse, child, or friend more clearly, isn’t it worth checking out?

*Beatrice Chestnut, The Complete Enneagram: 27 Paths to Greater Self-Knowledge (Berkley: She Writes Press, 2013).

Advanced Study

For those who already know your number and want to go deeper, I’ve compiled my list of top resources.

Podcasts:

Typology with Ian Morgan Cron

The Enneagram Journey with Suzanne Stabile

Books:

Beatrice Chestnut, The Complete Enneagram: 27 Paths to Greater Self-Knowledge (Berkley: She Writes Press, 2013).

Don Richard Riso and Russ Hudson, The Wisdom of the Enneagram: The Complete Guide to Psychological and Spiritual Growth for the Nine Personality Types (New York: Bantam, 1999).

Richard Rohr, The Enneagram: A Christian Perspective (New York: Crossroad, 2016).