Understand the Negative Cycle in Your Marriage
“You are as difficult as your partner is, and if you think otherwise, you are kidding yourself.”
—Alexandra Katehakis, author of Erotic Intelligence
Partner Blame Never Helps
Couples often come to my office in a state of denial. They don’t deny problems in the marriage, else I’d never have met them. Rather, they are blind to the true root of the disconnect. Some blame a particular topic. They tell themselves, If life would just slow down or If the in-laws would be reasonable or If we can just get past this rough patch with the kids, all will be well. They blame a circumstance rather than consider the chronic pattern of misattunement they are trapped in—one that will follow them to all future circumstances, even if the complaint du jour is resolved.
Other couples blame each other for the discord: If she’d be less sensitive or If he’d spend less time at work or If she’d spend less money or If he’d just learn anger management. A kernel of truth may be in each of these statements, but each is focused on the tip of the iceberg, ignoring the true issues beneath the behavior. Our brains want a simple solution, and pinning the problems on our spouse seems like a one-stop-shop for feeling better. The trouble is, the marriage relationship is complex and multi-layered. Spoiler alert: it is NEVER one person’s fault.
The Negative Cycle Is Hurting Your Marriage
Marriage is a feedback loop. We respond and react to what our partner is doing, creating a call/response pattern that assumes a life of its own. I call this “the cycle.” Many individuals have sat on my couch waiting for their spouse’s unreasonable behavior to be diagnosed and fixed. But the spouse is never the enemy—though it may feel that way to your nervous system. The cycle is the enemy. You make it to couples counseling because the cycle has been winning. It’s sucked you both in, chewed you up, and spit you out.
The cycle is made up of our default responses, which each person learned long before they ever met the other. We learn in childhood how to respond when triggered or threatened; some of us confront, engage, and push while some of us retreat, withdraw, and shut down. We picked the method that made the most sense in our family or origin.
With no conscious thought, we carry these methods into our marriage. When our spouse inadvertently stirs up feelings of threat, we automatically push back or shut down. Neither response is “better” or “more reasonable” than the other. You are doing what is intuitive to your nervous system.
Defeat the Toxic Marriage Cycle
It could feel like you’re losing something if you own, Hey, I’m a part of this, too. It’s not just my spouse’s issues or deficiencies. It may have felt good to lay claim to the moral high ground and tell yourself, It’s not on me to make this happen. You have to sacrifice your smug confidence, but think of the richness gained if you give up your position of blame and instead become part of the solution.
Are you ready to decode your cycle and join forces to defeat it? Your spouse is not the enemy. You can find your way back to softness and connection again.