Maybe it stings a little to ask the question, "Do we need couples counseling?" This feeling of uncertainty or defeat is not what you envisioned when you proposed, when you said, “I do,” or when you dreamed of all the magical things life would offer now that you’d found “the one.” Or maybe you aren’t yet married but are committed—but this doesn’t feel like the kind of relationship you signed on for. You never imagined the frustration, resentment, or loneliness that now defines daily life with your partner.

How do you know it’s time to quit hoping it will get better and instead take action to make it better? When do you stop blaming your partner and instead ask the hard questions about how you’ve both contributed to where you are? It may be time to seek couples counseling if you find yourself thinking any of these thoughts:

“They just don’t care anymore. I’m not important.”

Sometimes your worst fear manifests in the relationship that matters most as fear of abandonment creeps into your marriage. You don’t feel certain of your partner’s devotion and may wonder, “Do I matter still? Do they see me at all?” It may be easier and easier to interpret your partner’s actions as indifference or disregard. This is a scary place to be. It may cause you to lash out or badger as you grow desperate for reassurance. Though you know complaining or attacking will never get you the feeling of security you long for, you can’t help yourself because you must do something; it’s intolerable to live without feeling cared for and precious. Couples come to counseling to fix interaction patterns that leave one partner feeling abandoned or alone.

“I never get it right with them anymore.”

In this relationship, one partner feels defeated and withdraws to escape the criticism and accusation that feels constant. They have good intentions but somehow their spouse always sees the worst in what they say and do. Avoidance is the name of the game to keep things peaceful. But the avoidance just draws more criticism from their partner. It’s easy to give up and wall off even more as risking closeness feels like a recipe for more attack and greater hurt. You put up the walls to protect what’s left of your self-esteem and the marriage. Or maybe you get busy with work or hobbies—places you enjoy a sense of competence and feel appreciated. You sometimes miss a sense of connection, and being estranged from your partner isn’t what you want, but you can’t figure out another way. Couples come to counseling to defeat the interaction pattern that leaves one partner feeling hopelessly rejected or less-than.

“We make good roommates, but we are not connected.”

Tolerable, even pleasant, but empty—that’s how this relationship feels. Some self-soothe by telling themselves, “This is inevitable; no one stays in love. Everyone loses the spark eventually.” But what if marriage is meant to get better over time? What if the best is not behind you in the dating years? I see marriages get richer and fuller and more satisfying as couples learn to connect on an emotional level instead of giving up when the physical chemistry dies down. Do not buy the lie that marriage is just about being good partners or good parents together; under this model, you are left with only the drudgery of daily life to muddle through. Marriage must also be about play and flirtation and adventure. But you can’t play or risk if there’s no emotional safety. Couples come to counseling to reclaim emotional connection and learn how to be truly vulnerable and unguarded.

“Since the baby came, things are not the same.”

This problem can also sound like, “When the kids leave, I don’t know what we’ll have in common.” Partnerships can go off the track when a life transition happens, such as the birth of a child or sending the last to college. Kids can change the marriage dynamic as you learn to become parents together, but if giving to the children consistently starves the romantic relationship, the marriage connection will die. Over time, Mom or Dad may look to the child to meet their emotional needs, placing an unhealthy burden on the child to be more of a supportive partner than a carefree kid. It may feel counterintuitive, but kids should not be so prioritized that the marriage doesn’t get the attention it needs to thrive. All the peace and emotional security in your home flows down from a strong connection between Mom and Dad. Have you lost each other in the quest to be good parents? Couples come to counseling because they realize that they’ve put too much weight on parenting and not enough on keeping the marriage alive.

“I want to feel desired again.”

Many couples come to counseling having resigned themselves to a sexless marriage, but losing the capacity to connect in this way has a significant impact on the relationship and can even affect your personal identity. Even talking about the problem seems too overwhelming for some. So, each may languish in doubt and fear: “Why don’t they desire me still? Are they having an affair? Is it because I’m not as young and thin as I once was?” Almost always, the change in sexual patterns is more about insecure bonds or lack of effort than about changing bodies. In fact, research indicates that the most satisfying sex of our lives occurs in our fifties and sixties, so do not buy the lie that it is normal for couples to quit engaging physically. Let’s figure out how sex and play became deprioritized or difficult between you. Couples come to counseling to explore why intimacy evaporated and to engage this part of the relationship again.

“They never hear me. Every discussion turns to a fight.”

Over time, marriages can become entrenched in a negative feedback loop. It feels like you have the same fight repeatedly because, in a way, you do. You both have default protective moves that get triggered when you feel attacked or misunderstood. These go-to coping responses were forged in childhood according to what worked or was tolerated in your family of origin. So, over and over, one of you may leave, yell, blame, or go cold. At some point, you are not solving, you are only defending yourself against the other person’s assumptions. You feel that your response is justified, but your partner’s explosive anger or silent treatment is out of line. However, you are each merely responding with the form of protest that was acceptable in childhood. Neither of you is more virtuous in your response, yet it is very dysregulating for humans to be met with either rage or shut down. Such treatment from your attachment partner can shake you to your core. But asking your spouse to stop yelling or stop stonewalling will never work; their willpower cannot eradicate a survival response. The only way to disarm their response to threat is to understand the threat and meet it with soothing. In counseling, we get curious about the negative cycle and the threat you each perceive when the cycle gets set off. Couples come to counseling to understand and defeat the negative cycle.

“I feel betrayed. I never thought they would do this to me.”

Sadly, I meet some couples in crisis. One partner has made a choice that completely upends what the other expected in a mate. Of course, infidelity comes to mind, and that is indeed a betrayal that cuts deeply. However, betrayal can also mean keeping financial secrets, not showing up with support during a time of stress for your partner, or acting in a way that violates your partner’s values and expectations. It may feel like the pain will never end and healing is not possible, but I want to give you hope for healing and even post-traumatic growth. I see couples come through betrayal feeling more closeness and authenticity than before the discovery of deceit. Couples comes to counseling to heal deep wounds of betrayal.

Do you see yourself in any of these scenarios? It can feel lonely to see other couples who seem so in love while you wonder what went wrong in your love story. Stop wasting the time you have together stewing in blame and resentment. I can be your guide to finding that lost connection. If you live in Georgia, reach out today to set up a free Zoom consultation.