Why Am I Anxious and Depressed?

Depression and Anxiety Are Tied to Secure Connection

Have you ever seen the experiment Harlow conducted on a baby monkey? Watch it here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Qi7txH1KzY

The monkey in this clip was given a choice: food or closeness. He chose closeness, to feel the warmth of the terry cloth, for up to twenty-two hours a day. More than sustenance he wanted connection. Why? Because we are born reaching out to grasp the finger of another, to snuggle in close to their warmth. We cry out instinctively, “Hold me! Comfort me!” And, if all goes well, we spend childhood co-regulating with our parents. When we hurt, we run to them, and they soothe us and hug us tightly. Because of their care, we learn the world is safe. Problems arise, but nothing that can’t be solved by reaching to your safe other in a securely connected relationship.

As adults, we are primarily soothed by our spouse, but close friends and extended family also play a crucial role in mental and emotional wellness. When problems arise, we pick up the phone, reach to the other side of the bed, or ask for a hug and a listening ear. The problem isn’t solved, but we no longer feel alone, so we start to trust it will be okay. The burden eases when we have connection.

What Happens When Needs for Support and Connection Aren’t Met?

How does this relate to anxiety and depression? The severity of these disorders may be tied to the extent to which you are able to connect and co-regulate with another. When we feel alone, unsupported, and unseen, the weight of life may feel crushing. Normal stressors others navigate with ease may start to feel overwhelming. We may then activate into fight or flight and live in a state of panic and anxiety. Or we may feel defeated and give up, reasoning, “Why try?” Depression sets in as motivation and purpose leaves us.

Moving into anxiety or depression means we are leaving our window of tolerance—a therapy term for the range of emotion that is bearable. Being in our window of tolerance is feeling our feelings but not allowing our feelings to catapult us into a state of agitation and anxiety or to bog us down to the point of shut down and depression. We are aware of our emotion yet calm and in control.

If we live in isolation, pulling away from others or feeling rejected or unimportant, we will, over time, likely develop symptoms of anxiety and depression. We are not meant to live life alone, so our bodies don’t feel safe when they don’t have connection. Our nervous system will sound the alarm: This is not right! Life is too much!

Secure attachment is like a relational vitamin that helps protect you against severe anxiety and depression. Having close relationships soothes our nervous system so that we don’t live in fight, flight, or freeze. We may still get worried or blue, but we are less likely to stay there.

Insecure Attachment and Mental Illness

Anxiety and depression are complex mental disorders and are affected by many factors. I am not saying that if you have good relationships, you are immune to mental illness. Nevertheless, secure connection is a factor worth considering when pondering, Why am I anxious? Or Why am I depressed?

Research tells us that enduring a childhood in which we didn’t get consistent care and emotional connection from our parents leads to an increased risk for anxiety and depression as adults. In these cases, what we didn't get in our family of origin we desperately need from our spouse. If you aren't enjoying emotional connection and safety with your spouse, reach out. I'd love to talk about how couples or individual counseling could break the pattern of anxiety or depression for you.